Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn. “We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”
“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”
This JOKE got burnt?
haha.
Reply:LOL
Reply:ok
Reply:its not that funny anitha
Reply:not funny...at all
Reply:Sorry To Say You'r Joke Is In Poor Taste. We Have Bush Fires Right Now And Many Have Lost Properties And Livelihoods Out Hear. Our Fireo's Are Doing A Stand Up Job In Hellish Conditions So Please Think A Bit Before You Poke Fun. Have A Gooday.
Reply:o.k
Reply:no so funny . sorry
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Some "Greatest Lies"?
The check's in the mail.
I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.
I thought I already gave you that money I owed you.
I promise I'll pay you back next Friday.
I've never been this drunk before.
I'll never get this drunk again.
I've checked this Email out, and it's really not a hoax.
Now we're even.
I'm fine.
We found and fixed the last bug!
The software will ship on schedule.
It was as simple as that.
It's all your fault!
I love you
You don't need to use a condom; I'm on the Pill.
I don't need to use a condom; I've had a vasectomy and tested negative for STDs.
A representative of the government says...
We'll have the repairs on your car done by noon.
Operator, my calling card number is...
You look like you haven't aged a day.
No, I don't think that outfit makes you look fat.
This is what it will cost to repair your car.
If elected, I promise...
You're going to love working here.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Nine out of ten people surveyed said...
Please hold, and a customer service representative will be with you shortly.
I'll only take a minute of your time.
Our cellular phones will give you more freedom...
100% compatible with your existing equipment.
!!Make Money Fast!!
Lose all the weight you want!
I'm being totally unbiased.
I promise I'll pull out in time.
With all due respect...
For your convenience...
In order to serve you better...
I'm planning to get a divorce so I can marry you.
I'll call you.
I never meant to mislead you.
My wife (husband) is okay with me seeing other people; s/he just doesn't want to know about it.
I'm not leaving you for him/her; I just need some space to think things through.
This will only hurt a little.
This will hurt me more than it does you.
I'm doing this for your own good.
It's only for a little while...
I didn't mean any harm.
Oh well, no harm done...
It was an accident.
I didn't do it.
I don't know who did it.
We are experiencing a peak level of call volume...
Free Adult XXX Web Site!!!
No obligation!
You may already be a winner!
This product was made in an environmentally friendly manner.
I know it's none of my business...
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but...
This should be easy.
To speak to a representative, press "9".
It's nothing personal.
This isn't partisan politics; it's for the good of the country.
I'm not addicted; I can quit smoking any time I want.
New and Improved!
Trust me.
That was special.
Some "Greatest Lies"?
lmaooooooooo cool nice one but let me teel u one truth lol
i will die of laughing mate .
cheers mate
Reply:U missed the best one out:
I promise, I won't *** in your mouth.
I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.
I thought I already gave you that money I owed you.
I promise I'll pay you back next Friday.
I've never been this drunk before.
I'll never get this drunk again.
I've checked this Email out, and it's really not a hoax.
Now we're even.
I'm fine.
We found and fixed the last bug!
The software will ship on schedule.
It was as simple as that.
It's all your fault!
I love you
You don't need to use a condom; I'm on the Pill.
I don't need to use a condom; I've had a vasectomy and tested negative for STDs.
A representative of the government says...
We'll have the repairs on your car done by noon.
Operator, my calling card number is...
You look like you haven't aged a day.
No, I don't think that outfit makes you look fat.
This is what it will cost to repair your car.
If elected, I promise...
You're going to love working here.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Nine out of ten people surveyed said...
Please hold, and a customer service representative will be with you shortly.
I'll only take a minute of your time.
Our cellular phones will give you more freedom...
100% compatible with your existing equipment.
!!Make Money Fast!!
Lose all the weight you want!
I'm being totally unbiased.
I promise I'll pull out in time.
With all due respect...
For your convenience...
In order to serve you better...
I'm planning to get a divorce so I can marry you.
I'll call you.
I never meant to mislead you.
My wife (husband) is okay with me seeing other people; s/he just doesn't want to know about it.
I'm not leaving you for him/her; I just need some space to think things through.
This will only hurt a little.
This will hurt me more than it does you.
I'm doing this for your own good.
It's only for a little while...
I didn't mean any harm.
Oh well, no harm done...
It was an accident.
I didn't do it.
I don't know who did it.
We are experiencing a peak level of call volume...
Free Adult XXX Web Site!!!
No obligation!
You may already be a winner!
This product was made in an environmentally friendly manner.
I know it's none of my business...
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but...
This should be easy.
To speak to a representative, press "9".
It's nothing personal.
This isn't partisan politics; it's for the good of the country.
I'm not addicted; I can quit smoking any time I want.
New and Improved!
Trust me.
That was special.
Some "Greatest Lies"?
lmaooooooooo cool nice one but let me teel u one truth lol
i will die of laughing mate .
cheers mate
Reply:U missed the best one out:
I promise, I won't *** in your mouth.
Blonde Jokes?
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
3 construction guys were working on a skyscraper, up on the 40th floor.
At lunch, the bald guy said "Every day my wife packs me a tuna sandwich. If there's tuna again today, I'm gonna jump off this building!". He checks it %26amp; sure enough it's tuna again so old baldy jumps.
The redhead then says "Every day I get a cheese sandwich for lunch from my wife. If it's cheese again today then I'm jumping off here, too!". Sure enough, it's cheese so the redheaded guy jumps off.
Then the blond guy says "I always get a jelly sandwich. If it's jelly again then I'm jumping, too!". He checks %26amp; it's jelly so he jumps.
At the memorial service for the 3 guys, their wives are talking about this.
Both the bald guy's wife %26amp; the redhead's wife said the same thing, "I don't understand why my husband jumped. If I had know he wanted something else to eat for lunch, I'd have gave it to him.".
Then the blond man's wife says " I don't understand why my husband jumped. He always made his own lunch.".
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked
The police woman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finially found a square mirror in her purse , looked at it and handed it tothe policewoman. "Here it is " she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
A blonde went to electronics store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don't sell to blondes."
She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots. They all clink glasses and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell “Only 51 days!" The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by Only 51 days. One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51 Days . . . . . and on the box it said 4-7 years"
Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handywoman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks OK?" Julie asked. "Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Two blonds are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hum, this person looks familiar." The second blond says, "Here let me see." So the first blond hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy it's me."
A blonde, brunette and redhead stranded on a deserted island. They look for hours for a ship coming by, and finally one does. The brunette decides to swim out, gets tired a little bit out and drowns. The redhead swims out next, gets furthur, but then gets tired and drowns. The blonde swims halfway, gets tired, and swims back to the island
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
A blonde goes to a library and walks up to the man at the front desk. "Hi," she says,"I'd like a burger fries and a coke." The man looks at her," Ma'am, this is a library." "Oh, sorry," she answers, *whispering* "I'd like a burger fries and a coke."
A blonde walks angrily to the front desk in the library, and says “This book is boring, it has no plot, and too many characters.”
The libraian said “Oh, so you‘re the one who took our phone book…..”
One day a blonde and a brunette were watching the 6:00 evening news. On the news was a boy at the top of a building getting ready to jump. The blonde says out loud "I don't think he will jump."
The brunette responds by saying "I'll bet you $5 he will jump."
"Well I bet you $50 he won't jump," the blonde retorts.
"You're on!!" says the brunette.
After some time the boy finally jumps. The blonde pays up. As the brunette is walking out the door she turns around and says "I can't take this money from you. I saw the whole thing on the 5:00 evening news."
The blonde says "So did I, but I didn't think he would do it again."
The Great Blonde Kidnap
A blonde was in urgent need of cash. In order to raise some money, she decided the only way was to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”
She then wrote a note saying, “I have kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $100,000 in a paper bag and put it under the tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.”
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $100,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”
There were 11 blondes and one brunette on a rope climbing up a mountain. They had nothing to hold them to the rope. The rope began slipping and breaking. The brunette said, ''Girls, I'm going to let go of the rope, since it can't hold all of us. Your lives are more important to me. There are also many more of you..." and she made a big speech about how special they were. At the end, all of the blondes started clapping.
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness,
and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
Three women, a blond, brunette, and a redhead were robbing a 711 at night when the police arrived. They ran next door to a farm. The brunette hid under a wagon, the redhead hid in a cabinet, and the blond hid in a pile of hay. The policeman kicked the wagon, and the brunette said “Woof woof”. The policeman thought it was just a dog. When the policeman kicked the cabinet, the redhead said “Meow meow,” and the policeman thought it was just a cat. Then the policeman kicked the pile of hay. Not wanting to get caught, the blond said “Potato potato!”.
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch.
"Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was trampled on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?"
"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, madam," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."
This blonde, brunette and a redhead are escaping from jail. The redhead jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells "Who's out there?" The redhead says "meow""Oh it's just a cat" The brunette jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells "who's out there? The brunette says "meow." "Oh it's just that darn cat, get lost you stupid thing." Then the blonde jumps over and lands with a THUMP. "Who's out there?" "The blonde yells "It's just that darn cat".
A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came
out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked
inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came
out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it
shut. Angrily back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She
marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.
Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.
Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"
Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.
"There are no fish under the ice!!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, uttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."
Blonde Jokes?
People can be so cruel. I read your jokes and loved them they are hilarious i heard some of them before but they are still awesome. keep up the good work.
Reply:hey i am a Blondie lol and i some times acted like that lol Report Abuse
Reply:hi love them Report Abuse
Reply:nice!!! they were all awsum jokes!!! Report Abuse
Reply:hahahaha nice... Report Abuse
Reply:that was really good i havent heard them before execpt for like 3 of them Report Abuse
Reply:funny! Report Abuse
Reply:No ofense to blondes, because most I know are really intelligent, but these cracked me up. Good job. Report Abuse
Reply:by the way I am starring it lol Report Abuse
Reply:that good
Reply:and whats your question just kidding i starred it they really did make me laugh
Reply:i starred it now can i get the ten points
Reply:Why don't you go and try to do some jokes in your own hair color and see how it feels for the blonds
Reply:those jokes are so old
Reply:To long didn't read it...
rooster teeth
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
3 construction guys were working on a skyscraper, up on the 40th floor.
At lunch, the bald guy said "Every day my wife packs me a tuna sandwich. If there's tuna again today, I'm gonna jump off this building!". He checks it %26amp; sure enough it's tuna again so old baldy jumps.
The redhead then says "Every day I get a cheese sandwich for lunch from my wife. If it's cheese again today then I'm jumping off here, too!". Sure enough, it's cheese so the redheaded guy jumps off.
Then the blond guy says "I always get a jelly sandwich. If it's jelly again then I'm jumping, too!". He checks %26amp; it's jelly so he jumps.
At the memorial service for the 3 guys, their wives are talking about this.
Both the bald guy's wife %26amp; the redhead's wife said the same thing, "I don't understand why my husband jumped. If I had know he wanted something else to eat for lunch, I'd have gave it to him.".
Then the blond man's wife says " I don't understand why my husband jumped. He always made his own lunch.".
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked
The police woman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finially found a square mirror in her purse , looked at it and handed it tothe policewoman. "Here it is " she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
A blonde went to electronics store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?" The salesman said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don't sell to blondes."
She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots. They all clink glasses and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell “Only 51 days!" The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by Only 51 days. One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51 Days . . . . . and on the box it said 4-7 years"
Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handywoman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks OK?" Julie asked. "Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Two blonds are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hum, this person looks familiar." The second blond says, "Here let me see." So the first blond hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy it's me."
A blonde, brunette and redhead stranded on a deserted island. They look for hours for a ship coming by, and finally one does. The brunette decides to swim out, gets tired a little bit out and drowns. The redhead swims out next, gets furthur, but then gets tired and drowns. The blonde swims halfway, gets tired, and swims back to the island
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
A blonde goes to a library and walks up to the man at the front desk. "Hi," she says,"I'd like a burger fries and a coke." The man looks at her," Ma'am, this is a library." "Oh, sorry," she answers, *whispering* "I'd like a burger fries and a coke."
A blonde walks angrily to the front desk in the library, and says “This book is boring, it has no plot, and too many characters.”
The libraian said “Oh, so you‘re the one who took our phone book…..”
One day a blonde and a brunette were watching the 6:00 evening news. On the news was a boy at the top of a building getting ready to jump. The blonde says out loud "I don't think he will jump."
The brunette responds by saying "I'll bet you $5 he will jump."
"Well I bet you $50 he won't jump," the blonde retorts.
"You're on!!" says the brunette.
After some time the boy finally jumps. The blonde pays up. As the brunette is walking out the door she turns around and says "I can't take this money from you. I saw the whole thing on the 5:00 evening news."
The blonde says "So did I, but I didn't think he would do it again."
The Great Blonde Kidnap
A blonde was in urgent need of cash. In order to raise some money, she decided the only way was to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”
She then wrote a note saying, “I have kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $100,000 in a paper bag and put it under the tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.”
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $100,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”
There were 11 blondes and one brunette on a rope climbing up a mountain. They had nothing to hold them to the rope. The rope began slipping and breaking. The brunette said, ''Girls, I'm going to let go of the rope, since it can't hold all of us. Your lives are more important to me. There are also many more of you..." and she made a big speech about how special they were. At the end, all of the blondes started clapping.
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness,
and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
Three women, a blond, brunette, and a redhead were robbing a 711 at night when the police arrived. They ran next door to a farm. The brunette hid under a wagon, the redhead hid in a cabinet, and the blond hid in a pile of hay. The policeman kicked the wagon, and the brunette said “Woof woof”. The policeman thought it was just a dog. When the policeman kicked the cabinet, the redhead said “Meow meow,” and the policeman thought it was just a cat. Then the policeman kicked the pile of hay. Not wanting to get caught, the blond said “Potato potato!”.
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch.
"Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was trampled on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?"
"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, madam," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."
This blonde, brunette and a redhead are escaping from jail. The redhead jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells "Who's out there?" The redhead says "meow""Oh it's just a cat" The brunette jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells "who's out there? The brunette says "meow." "Oh it's just that darn cat, get lost you stupid thing." Then the blonde jumps over and lands with a THUMP. "Who's out there?" "The blonde yells "It's just that darn cat".
A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came
out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked
inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came
out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it
shut. Angrily back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She
marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!
There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.
Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.
Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"
Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.
"There are no fish under the ice!!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, uttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."
Blonde Jokes?
People can be so cruel. I read your jokes and loved them they are hilarious i heard some of them before but they are still awesome. keep up the good work.
Reply:hey i am a Blondie lol and i some times acted like that lol Report Abuse
Reply:hi love them Report Abuse
Reply:nice!!! they were all awsum jokes!!! Report Abuse
Reply:hahahaha nice... Report Abuse
Reply:that was really good i havent heard them before execpt for like 3 of them Report Abuse
Reply:funny! Report Abuse
Reply:No ofense to blondes, because most I know are really intelligent, but these cracked me up. Good job. Report Abuse
Reply:by the way I am starring it lol Report Abuse
Reply:that good
Reply:and whats your question just kidding i starred it they really did make me laugh
Reply:i starred it now can i get the ten points
Reply:Why don't you go and try to do some jokes in your own hair color and see how it feels for the blonds
Reply:those jokes are so old
Reply:To long didn't read it...
rooster teeth
Have you ever wondered why halliurton/parsons/bechtel/kel... won projects in Iraq, bosnia and vietnam?
Halliburton/Kellog were awarded jobs in both iraq wars, bosnia (clinton) vietnam without bidding. I would not have worked on the projects along with the rest of the civilians if halliburton would not have been "GIVEN" them. REAL multi-phase projects require surface, route , feasibility, geological, envrionmental SURVEYS that take 2 to 5 years. After a war, the project starts NOW. The company handling the project receives data such as troop locations, equipment depots, mine field locations, locations for training, air strips, etc. You can NOT turn that data over to a company like Technip. Regarding profiteering ? probably. Same thing happend in Bosnia - Clinton era....and do not forget the 7 billion dollar deal Clinton made between the saudis and boeing but I never hear anything about that...then you have LBJ who owned 55 percent of colt fire arms...they built parts for small arms used in Vietnam...
Have you ever wondered why halliurton/parsons/bechtel/kel... won projects in Iraq, bosnia and vietnam?
Not trying to be cavalier but I will answer your question this way. "Such as it has been, it shall always be". Is it right? No. But that seems to be the new golden rule. He who has the gold, makes the rules. Answer to this? Class warfare? I don't think so. Don't have a solution. :(
Reply:they are all bush croonies
Reply:It seems that corporations, like individuals have security clearance. If all war time contracts had to go through the bidding process, there would be even more failure and wasted time and money. Look at government highway work!
Pork, pork %26amp; more pork%26gt;%26gt;%26gt;
All our %26lt;western Montana%26gt; new section of interstate are like washboard within a year.
Reply:I felt it was part of the industrial/military complex, they built it, the army blows it up, they rebuilt it
Have you ever wondered why halliurton/parsons/bechtel/kel... won projects in Iraq, bosnia and vietnam?
Not trying to be cavalier but I will answer your question this way. "Such as it has been, it shall always be". Is it right? No. But that seems to be the new golden rule. He who has the gold, makes the rules. Answer to this? Class warfare? I don't think so. Don't have a solution. :(
Reply:they are all bush croonies
Reply:It seems that corporations, like individuals have security clearance. If all war time contracts had to go through the bidding process, there would be even more failure and wasted time and money. Look at government highway work!
Pork, pork %26amp; more pork%26gt;%26gt;%26gt;
All our %26lt;western Montana%26gt; new section of interstate are like washboard within a year.
Reply:I felt it was part of the industrial/military complex, they built it, the army blows it up, they rebuilt it
Just got layed off in Florida, what can I do???
I've worked for this company for 2 years doing land surveying, about 2 weeks ago I was hospitalized for a few days, I have type 2 diabetes and my medicine stopped working(different story) and my blood suger went over 600. I work outdoors in the extreme heat here, especially this july, so when I returned, I asked for light duty to do around the office, so I ran errands, organized the equipment, light stuff. Anyways, I showed up today for work and was told with 2 other people we were being laid off due to "lack of work". I'm not sure whether it was the real reason, but I did my light duty for 3 days last week, and today im being let go, no notice, no severance(layoff), my health insurance is good until the end of the month(july LOL). So financially/medically im screwed. I'm filing for unemployment today and I'm not going to get cobra insurance for $330/month, especially since the max I can have in unemployment in Florida is $275/week, do I have any chance at a possible legal case?
Just got layed off in Florida, what can I do???
I'm afraid not, unless you can prove they hire new people to replace you right away, refuting their claim of lack of work. While on UE you will qualify for reduced/free medical from the state. Florida's UE rate is sitting around 3.4%, pretty low compared to the average, but not the lowest.
Wyoming #46 2.9
Idaho #47 2.8
Nebraska #48 2.8
Utah #49 2.5
Hawaii #50 2.4
Montana #51 2.2
They can fire you for no reason, but they have to state no reason. If they state a reason they must be able to support that reason. If you are fired for being late and they state that as the reason, and you prove you were not late, or that everyone else was late also and retained their jobs then you win. Much like if they lay you off due to lack of work and then immediatley hire another person to do the job and you prove it, you win. A layoff looks much better than a firing and allows for UE compensation and the possibility of re-hire.
Reply:ok most businesses are a at will business which means they can fire you for any reason without notice. to me it was cuz of your light duty. but file the unemployment.
Reply:Unfortunatley this happens all the time. It would be nice if they give you warning but it doesn't happen to often. Only if it's a large amount they have to give 60 days, I think like over 300 people. I feel bad for you but I don't see how it could be a legal case and that can take 3 months to fight anyways.
Reply:GET OUT....LOL.
My husband had the same thing happen when he was working a survey crew.
He got pneumonia and had to take time off... he was fired for not going to work....
unbelievable....
in Delaware.... where we live now..... there is a "no fault" law....... that allows you to be fired for any reason any time....no explanation needed.... CRAZY
Just got layed off in Florida, what can I do???
I'm afraid not, unless you can prove they hire new people to replace you right away, refuting their claim of lack of work. While on UE you will qualify for reduced/free medical from the state. Florida's UE rate is sitting around 3.4%, pretty low compared to the average, but not the lowest.
Wyoming #46 2.9
Idaho #47 2.8
Nebraska #48 2.8
Utah #49 2.5
Hawaii #50 2.4
Montana #51 2.2
They can fire you for no reason, but they have to state no reason. If they state a reason they must be able to support that reason. If you are fired for being late and they state that as the reason, and you prove you were not late, or that everyone else was late also and retained their jobs then you win. Much like if they lay you off due to lack of work and then immediatley hire another person to do the job and you prove it, you win. A layoff looks much better than a firing and allows for UE compensation and the possibility of re-hire.
Reply:ok most businesses are a at will business which means they can fire you for any reason without notice. to me it was cuz of your light duty. but file the unemployment.
Reply:Unfortunatley this happens all the time. It would be nice if they give you warning but it doesn't happen to often. Only if it's a large amount they have to give 60 days, I think like over 300 people. I feel bad for you but I don't see how it could be a legal case and that can take 3 months to fight anyways.
Reply:GET OUT....LOL.
My husband had the same thing happen when he was working a survey crew.
He got pneumonia and had to take time off... he was fired for not going to work....
unbelievable....
in Delaware.... where we live now..... there is a "no fault" law....... that allows you to be fired for any reason any time....no explanation needed.... CRAZY
Lightspeed panel - Research International?
Any members? What do you think? I think it is a waste of time and a rip off....you must earn about 2200 points to get a $20 reward that is less than a penny a point and average surveys are 75 points for 15 minutes really resulting in making about half of minimum wage when you think about it..also my daughter did one of their beverage surveys where they were supposed to send her a $50 check after they received their Palm back..she just got a letter instead of the promised check giving her eight possible reasons why this could have happened not the actual reason. Some of the reasons were faulty equipment or equipment arriving late which could be the fault of FedEx not her..It seems as if it was a way to screw a 13 yo out of money....she worked 2 weeks on it and now she is out of the money that she wanted to do for Christmas Shopping...I for one am done with them.
Lightspeed panel - Research International?
not a member.. but it sounds like a rip off
Reply:I am a member of Lightspeed Panel and I have no problems with them. Have earned money with no problems. Sorry it didn't work out for you. Report Abuse
Lightspeed panel - Research International?
not a member.. but it sounds like a rip off
Reply:I am a member of Lightspeed Panel and I have no problems with them. Have earned money with no problems. Sorry it didn't work out for you. Report Abuse
Soldier's, you don't mind a little joke do ya?
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon
encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified
Approach to Military Operations:
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with
three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred
civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a
success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are
awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it
to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in
obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support
in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to
safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim
extremist snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills
snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on
how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake
force projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
feverishly to save snake's life.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two
weeks after due date.
F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses
target due to weather.
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on
infra-red.
UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts
bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.
B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
other living thing within two miles of target.
Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but
can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use
nuclear weapons.
Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of
snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for
snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds
of professional courtesy.
CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake
equiptment, pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills
it. Crew chief uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.
Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.
Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a
straight line.
Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-
snake missions, accidentally electrecuted snake in the process.
Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on
improving flood plain, can't do it because snake is on the endangered
species list.
Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.
Soldier's, you don't mind a little joke do ya?
CLASSIC! roflmao! My hubby is in the Navy! I will be printing this out and showing it to him! My sides hurt from laughing so hard! It was awesome! Where did you find that joke?
Reply:Loved it, even the Marine stuff. Hell yeah we can laugh at ourselves, but God help anybody else that does!!!
Reply:Two last categories:
Barracks trooper; What is a snake.
REMF (look it up). "When I was there we had to fight millions of snakes, there were so many that ... yada yada yada."
Good story, we liked it.
Reply:That was funny! Thanks
Reply:LMAO 5811 gotta love em (will test anything including snakes) ^_^
Reply:meh, i think the marine ones were off but the rest were funny
Reply:Thats a good one, military rivalry...gotta love it!
Reply:You are sick, twisted and perverted......qualities I admire!!
SSG US Army 73-82
Signal and Aviation Support
Reply:Army sniper kills snake with one shot from a mile a way...hoping its the right snake and calls it diplomacy because it may or may not have been poisonous
Reply:Definitely worth a star.
Reply:That's funny. I like the one with the SEALs. Here is one of my favorite.
Seals vs. Green Beret
Two Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, A Green Beret got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. The Green Beret kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the window seat said,"I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Green Beret, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Seal picked up the Green Beret's boot and spit in it. When the Green Beret returned with the coke, the other Seal said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Green Beret obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it. The Green Beret returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Green Beret slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Green Beret asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and pissing in cokes?"
Reply:i got a giggle out of that.
God Bless our Brave Troops.
Reply:LOL, that's funny.
Reply:OMG!!! I LOVE IT!!!!
That was great...thank you so much for posting that.
:-))
Reply:Here is one back to you.
Military Code of Conduct
US Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a ".4 or 9"
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral %26amp; diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
14. Come home a conquering warrior.
Navy SEALS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
5. Come home a conquering warrior.
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
6. Come home a conquering warrior.
US Army Rules:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.
4. Come home a conquering warrior.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine %26amp; dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD %26amp; defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
10. Come home a conquering warrior.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch porn.
4. Deploy the Marines.
5. Do something you can never tell anyone else in the next port.
6. Come home a conquering warrior.
Reply:this question must have been a waste of your time cuz it sure was of mine!
teeth grinding
encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified
Approach to Military Operations:
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with
three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred
civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a
success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are
awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it
to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in
obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support
in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to
safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim
extremist snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills
snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on
how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake
force projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
feverishly to save snake's life.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two
weeks after due date.
F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses
target due to weather.
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on
infra-red.
UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts
bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.
B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
other living thing within two miles of target.
Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but
can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use
nuclear weapons.
Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of
snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for
snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds
of professional courtesy.
CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake
equiptment, pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills
it. Crew chief uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.
Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.
Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a
straight line.
Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-
snake missions, accidentally electrecuted snake in the process.
Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on
improving flood plain, can't do it because snake is on the endangered
species list.
Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.
Soldier's, you don't mind a little joke do ya?
CLASSIC! roflmao! My hubby is in the Navy! I will be printing this out and showing it to him! My sides hurt from laughing so hard! It was awesome! Where did you find that joke?
Reply:Loved it, even the Marine stuff. Hell yeah we can laugh at ourselves, but God help anybody else that does!!!
Reply:Two last categories:
Barracks trooper; What is a snake.
REMF (look it up). "When I was there we had to fight millions of snakes, there were so many that ... yada yada yada."
Good story, we liked it.
Reply:That was funny! Thanks
Reply:LMAO 5811 gotta love em (will test anything including snakes) ^_^
Reply:meh, i think the marine ones were off but the rest were funny
Reply:Thats a good one, military rivalry...gotta love it!
Reply:You are sick, twisted and perverted......qualities I admire!!
SSG US Army 73-82
Signal and Aviation Support
Reply:Army sniper kills snake with one shot from a mile a way...hoping its the right snake and calls it diplomacy because it may or may not have been poisonous
Reply:Definitely worth a star.
Reply:That's funny. I like the one with the SEALs. Here is one of my favorite.
Seals vs. Green Beret
Two Seals boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, A Green Beret got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Seals. The Green Beret kicked off his boots, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Seal in the window seat said,"I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Green Beret, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Seal picked up the Green Beret's boot and spit in it. When the Green Beret returned with the coke, the other Seal said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Green Beret obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Seal picked up the other boot and spit in it. The Green Beret returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Green Beret slipped his feet into his boots and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Green Beret asked. "This fighting between our groups? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in boots and pissing in cokes?"
Reply:i got a giggle out of that.
God Bless our Brave Troops.
Reply:LOL, that's funny.
Reply:OMG!!! I LOVE IT!!!!
That was great...thank you so much for posting that.
:-))
Reply:Here is one back to you.
Military Code of Conduct
US Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a ".4 or 9"
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral %26amp; diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
14. Come home a conquering warrior.
Navy SEALS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
5. Come home a conquering warrior.
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
6. Come home a conquering warrior.
US Army Rules:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.
4. Come home a conquering warrior.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation.
6. Wine %26amp; dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD %26amp; defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.
10. Come home a conquering warrior.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch porn.
4. Deploy the Marines.
5. Do something you can never tell anyone else in the next port.
6. Come home a conquering warrior.
Reply:this question must have been a waste of your time cuz it sure was of mine!
teeth grinding
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